I’m not a "mountain biker", I just love riding a bike I can take straight over the bumpy bits, that will absorb the curbstone hits and be able to go wherever I want to, when I want to, without having to worry about punctures, bent rims, mashed testes or a tingling spine. I’ve composed bits of the following while cruising various East Bay roads and trails:

I’m not a "mountain biker" though I like to ride with sag*,
I’m not a "mountain biker" though I’ve Cliff bars in my bag.

I’m not a "mountain biker" ‘cos I rarely ride off road,
and I could care less about shaving grams,
with backpack on overload.

I’m not a "mountain biker" as a rarely ride "the hills",
and launching my bike down a ten foot drop just aint my type of thrills.

My single track’s the sidewalk, more than half the time,
with mismatched slabs my "tree roots", (curbstones for logs don’t rhythm).

My helmet cost just 40 bucks, with only 15 vents,
the hardcore guys spend twice as much and twice as much again,
their vents have vents on top of vents, worthless in the rain.

I have no high tech bite valve, no hydration pack on back,
my battered bottle’s all I need if thirst I want to lack. (OK, groaner foul).

I’m not a "mountain biker", as if I give a hoot, but try to take my Sugar and your rear I’d have to boot.

*Sag – the amount of suspension travel taken up by the rider’s static weight alone, before any dynamic loads are applied.
In general, more sag means a softer, more comfortable but less efficient ride.